Stay updated with the latest in Tech, Science, Culture, Entertainment, and more by following our Telegram channel here.
Not everyone who starts a plant hobby is successful at keeping their babies alive. Let's face it, not all of us were born to be the doting plant parents we often see on social media – it's a fact of life (don't quote me).
Often, a lot of us don’t have the time or energy to take care of some of the more 'demanding' houseplants out there, though we often dream of having an entire house filled with such lush greenery.
Or more realistically, a lot of us are just lazy assholes that want to have that plant daddy or plant mommy aesthetic without long-term commitment. And you know what, that's okay.
If you are said lazy asshole, or if you're a beginner (Hi!), here are some of the easiest, low-maintenance houseplants you can get.
1. ZZ plant, aka Zanzibar Gem (Zamioculcas zamiifolia).
IMAGE: BloomThis
I like to think of ZZ plants as the house cats of the plant world. They look cute as hell, and they don't really care for your attention. But once in a while they'll appreciate some tender loving care. But please, keep it away from cats and other pets, the plant is toxic to them.
Like a lot of the plants you'll see on this list, the ZZ plant doesn't require frequent watering, once a month will do. And if you live in a dingy apartment with very little natural light shining through your small windows, the ZZ plant gives no shits.
It thrives in low light. Just like your dark, jaded soul.
2. Aloe vera (Aloe barbadensis miller).
IMAGE: Michael Marquand / The Spruce
You have aloe vera in a lot of skincare products. Hell, you even have it in drinks (so good, by the way). If you're sick and tired of looking at the conventional 'leafy' plants everyone seems to have, aloe vera is a good alternative.
If you start developing skin breakouts caused by all the anxiety and stress from the job you're severely under-paid to do, just cut one of these slimy babies up and apply them to the affected area. Note: Some people report even more irritated skin after using aloe vera. Your mileage may vary. And they won't magically raise your salary either.
They only require watering about once a month, give or take. And if you see any brown tips developing, an easy pruning with some sharp garden shears will do the trick. Place them in bright (but indirect) lighting, and you're good to go.
3. Pothos, aka Devil's Ivy (Epipremnum aureum).
IMAGE: Hello Fronds
There's a reason pothos plants have their 'Devil's Ivy' nickname: They're fucking immortal, like our dark lord Satan himself. But for lazy assholes like you and I, this unassuming twining-like plant is your best friend.
The pothos plant also comes in a few different colors, including bright green (kind of yellow-looking), green with white streaks, and a nice golden shade. They thrive in bright (indirect) light and low-light conditions. That's up to you to decide.
Ideally, they require watering once a week or every two weeks, which is probably more than you'd expect. But Devil's Ivy can still stay alive if you forget to water it like the neglectful 'plant parent' you are. And if you really let them grow, they can be as long as 30 feet.
You could basically get a bunch of pothos plants, grow them out, and hang them all over your home and pretend you're in a lush orchard, in blissful denial of your sub-optimal life. Oh, and they're also toxic to pets, but you probably knew that.
4. Snake plant, aka Saint George's Sword, Mother-in-law's Tongue (Sansevieria trifasciata).
IMAGE: @_houseplanthouse / Instagram
No, these plants won't stab you in the back and try ruin your life. They're not the type to eat your pet gerbil for breakfast either (can you imagine?).
One special thing about this plant is the fact that it can survive in extremely dim environments. Say, a windowless bathroom, or your dark bedroom (because you never open your curtains to see the light of day). Of course, you can still place them in bright, indirect light, especially if you want to sit there and admire their looks.
And a huge bonus: You can keep staring mindlessly at them without worrying about when to water them, since they only require it once a month. Ah, yes, perfect.
They're also toxic to pets, but thankfully not emotionally toxic.
5. Cast-iron plant (Aspidistra elatior).
IMAGE: DenGarden
If you're the most incompetent, neglectful of all plant parents, look no further than the cast-iron plant, which (much like its namesake) is sturdy as all hell. Yes, if there was an endgame for houseplants, this would be it, at least for us bottom-tier plant parents.
They might as well be fake, but they're not. That means you still get to call yourself an actual plant parent. But can you really? With so little care and nourishment required, cast-iron plants could probably navigate through the hurdles of life better than you, if they were human.
They thrive in low light and only require watering once a week. And hey, they're also nontoxic to pets!
Now you can join the elite, top-tier plant mommies and daddies on Instagram and Pinterest. Maybe.
If any of these plants die under your care, please find a new hobby.
Read more plant stories:
New ultra-rare flower species discovered in Malaysia impresses Oxford scientists
Neighborhood plants in Singapore 'sprout' unhygienic face masks
Indonesian man plants a forest with 11,000 trees all by himself
Follow Mashable SEA on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and YouTube.
Cover image sourced from Healthline and Backyard Boss.
