The horniest moments of 2019

Being horny is a political statement now.

We're not joking, either. In 2019, public displays of thirst became not only more widely socially acceptable, but also an act of empowerment in the wake of #MeToo. As Soraya Roberts so succinctly put it in a Longreads essay, "Out of the wreckage of male toxicity, [women] used thirst to mark the men who remained worthy."

There's no shame in thirsting — when it's channeled in respectful ways. So here's a list of the 2019 moments when folks were respectfully, painfully left parched from lust.

Sara Lee Bread gets horny on main (on SNL)

Saturday Night Live might be increasingly culturally irrelevant, but they got one thing right this year: Harry Styles has left a devastating drought in the wake of his Fine Line tour.

In the above sketch Styles plays a social media manager who can't stop being horny on the company's main Instagram account. It's where the now-iconic line "must get rid of toxic in community" came from.

Styles is an awesome representative for the thirst wave. Aside from being a total snack, he also openly celebrates his sexual ambiguity without feeling the need to put a hard label on what is, after all, a complex spectrum. The fun, unifying power of thirst is that it defies any strict gender or sexuality binaries, so who the hell cares!

The entirety of Cats (unfortunately)

We deeply regret (and apologize for) this entry. But it's not our fault that Cats not only exists, but is also inexplicably and uncontrollably horny. No 2019 horny list would be complete without this cat-astrophe of cinema, so our paws were truly tied here.?

The uncanny valley of sexuality that is Cats should be a federal crime punishable by law. But because our justice system is broken, it is not (yet). So thousands of innocent movie-goers across the country have been subjected to the body horror of Catlor Swift's feline boobies and Jason Derulo telling everyone who'll listen that his dick was so big it had to be digitally removed.

Worst of all, this neutering display of animal horniness didn't even get furries off. Because while having a kink is normal, whatever the fuck is happening in Cats is...not.

Kumail Nanjiani's Marvel bod breaks the internet

Kim Kardashian wishes she had the thirst power of Kumail Nanjiani in 2019!

You very likely already fell in love with Nanjiani when he was the sweet, funny, talented comedian behind 2017's The Big Sick. Then he got Marvel-ized in preparation for his upcoming starring role in the comic book movie adaptation of The Eternals.

No one was emotionally prepared for his Instagram post revealing his newly buffed physique. "I never thought I’d be one of those people who would post a thirsty shirtless," Nanjiani admitted. How dare you, sir! This photo is a human right to thirsting people everywhere!!!

But really, Nanjiani didn't just flex his muscles here. He flexed what we always loved about him: thoughtfulness.

He made sure to emphasize that there's no way he could have ever underwent this transformation without an Avengers-like army of top nutritionists and trainers paid for by the endless funds of Marvel.?

We get it! We love you no matter what you look like! We're sweating too haha!

Every second of Jennifer Lopez in Hustlers

Jennifer Lopez has been pushing the boundaries of our thirst for decades. I'm pretty sure the entire world had its collective sexual awakening thanks to her iconic green Versace dress at the 2000 Grammy Awards.

Her performance in Hustlers had a similar effect, leaving audiences parched for a full hour and forty-four minutes. The 50-year-old mother of two makes flexing on a stripper pole look easy. But judging from her impeccable ab and thigh muscles it, uh, is not!

What makes J.Lo the ultimate sex symbol, though, is that she consistently rejects all the disempowering bullshit that usually comes with the label.?

Yes, she's undeniably gorgeous with a body that appears to age like a fine wine. But her performance makes clear that it's her electric charisma, sharp intelligence, emotional vulnerability, and undeniable talent that renders Lopez an ageless thirst icon for many generations.

The Bachelorette contenders sliding into A-list DMs

Step aside Raya because there's a new, even more exclusive online celebrity hook up platform: Instagram (and Season 15 of The Bachelorette). This year, C and D list reality TV "stars" slid into the DMs of not one but two A-listers...and it worked?!?

In July, Demi Lovato started being unapologetically horny on main for contestant Mike Johnson, reportedly captioning screenshots of him on her Instagram stories with things like "Mike I accept your rose," and "Swing me, kiss me! Boo boo.”?

After he was booted off The Bachelorette, Johnson tweeted: "Jus saying, my future wife though girl you ready for smiles, adventure, comfort, growth, honesty, laughter, me falling using my inhaler and kissing your stretch marks and imperfections. Where u hiding." Lovato responded in kind with, "I’M RIGHT HERE MIKE I’M RIGHT HERE BOO MY MOM ALREADY LOVES YOU TOO."

The rest is thirst trap history, with Johnson commenting "Look at me like that again ?love yaself??" on a picture of Lovato looking gorgeous in a bikini. Eventually, he started talking openly about the two casually dating.

Meanwhile none other than supermodel Gigi Hadid must have thought Tyler C. got criminally robbed by only being the season's runner-up — like everyone else on the internet. A fan spotted that the two had started following each other on Instagram, and we all know what that means. Soon after Tyler Cameron lost on the show, the two were spotted going on public dates and attending weddings together.

But it would seem that the thirstiest stars are quenched the fastest. Both of these relationships ended after just a few months, one even resulting in a telling unfollow. Forget roses: Thirst traps are the love language of 2019.

Chicken fucks now?

Arguably no one experienced a bigger glow-up than chicken in 2019.?

Everyone got extremely heated over the Popeyes chicken sandwich. Then the New York Post only made matters worse by recently publishing an article about how some New York singles consider chicken parm "totally an aphrodisiac.”

OK!

Also as we covered in our mid-year horny round up, KFC's Colonel Sanders got a rebrand so horny that it ensured we all knew he fucks now.?

I guess sometimes thirst and hunger go hand in hand?

Hot Priest unanimously crowned Thirst King of the decade

This isn't a love story. It's a thirst trap.

Fleabag Season 2's Hot Priest did what no swol Jesus crucifixion statue ever could: It made the Catholic church sexy AF. From fashion-forward holy robes to light BDSM confessionals, Hot Priest isn't just a phenomenon. He's the second cumming of our Father in thirst, horny be thy name.

Nothing and no one will dethrone our Father of the Year — and yes calling him Father does turn us on just to say it.

The Little Women cast makes us realize we're poly

I thought I was monogamous. Then I saw Entertainment Weekly's Little Women front cover with Saoirse Ronan and Timothée Chalamet and realized, oh, my heart is actually too big for only one lover. I (and others) are now pregnant with both their children.

That's not to mention the trailers and promotional material of the two together, which is nothing short of 19th-century porn. Oh god their piercing blue eyes...staring longingly...at each other...

Yeah I'm gonna need a minute.

Pete Davidson and Kate Beckinsale give each other CPR

Who can forget the kiss seen around the world by everybody, and universally wanted by nobody (especially live witness and victim Antoni from Queer Eye).

We're talking about Pete Davidson snagging Kate Beckinsale as a rebound after Ariana Grande, perpetuating the mystique around his baffling BDE.?

This culminated in a picture capturing a severely distressing case of PDT (public display of thirst), as the two violently swapped spit at a New York Rangers-Washington Capitals game. Thirst Season didn't stop there for them, though. The two continued to mack out in front of cameras like rebellious teens hoping to be caught by their parents.

Ultimately, it didn't work out for these crazy kids. Who could've seen it coming!?

Chris Evans turns turtleneck sweaters into a kink

Whodunit? More like whoTHIRSTit!

Chris Evans went from being America's ass to a red level thirst risk in under a year — all from the comfort of a cozy cable knit sweater.

This year-defining thirst moment is also a point of personal pride for Mashable, since our very own Nicole Gallucci essentially sparked the fire of this horny storm by being the girl in the above viral tweet who gasped at the mere sight of Evans in his Knives Out sweater.

Tight, muscle-hugging spandex Chris Evans is so tired. We're thirsty for loose-fitting fleece Chris Evans now and forevermore.

Frankie Muniz is all of us being horny on main for Lizzo

All in all, 2019 was by far one of the horniest years for celebrities on social media.?

Malcolm in the Middle's Frankie Muniz, for one, demonstrated he was all grown up by begging Lizzo to...wear him like a purse!!!! Lizzo is obviously our Queen. But Muniz is now our Thirst King for saying what we were all thinking AND HAVING THE GAUL TO @ HER!

Marvel + Valkyrie = ??

After Captain Marvel's release, Brie Larson retweeted artwork shipping Captain Marvel and Valkyrie together. Tessa Thompson, who plays Valkyrie, already confirmed she sees Valkyrie as bi, while Larson heavily implied she's pushing for Marvel to have an openly queer superhero.

Setting up the sex swing

Cara Delevingne and Ashley Benson fulfilled our domestic dreams with images capturing them doing Normal House Stuff, like carrying in their sex swing from the car.?

The U.S. Women’s soccer team, champions of thirst

The U.S. Women's soccer team didn't just win yet another world cup. Their true champion spirits only came to light when they were revealed to be the booziest, most BDE sports team on the planet.

If you followed their well-documented celebrations on social media, you know that these ladies basically did not stop drinking champagne after they took home the trophy. As is their god-given right as queens.?

But no amount of bubbly alcoholic drink could quench our overwhelming thirst for them.

Everywhere she goes, Rapinoe is now followed by fanatical shouts of "Pinoe! Pinoe! Pinoe!" Her ombre purple hairstyle became instantly iconic. I don't care who you are: If you're not horny for this team co-captain, you might want to check for a pulse.

And to really send us over the edge, she's using her spotlight to absolutely dunk on Donald Trump at every chance.

Pay the U.S. Women's Soccer team what they deserve — especially in Gatorade sponsorships — since they've single-handedly sold gallons of it as people desperately try to hydrate through their thirst.

Parts of this list were originally featured in "The horniest moments of 2019 (so far)" earlier this year.?